Dog in Germany gives birth to 17 puppies

Melissa: It looks like copy paste.

Helping Others by Building them New Homes

Melissa: Take away the music and it's the most awkward shit you've ever seen.

News Feed

  
Melissa: Did you see that picture of her?

Me: Yeah.

Melissa: She looks so different in that photo. She looks European.

Me: Yeah.

Melissa: (whispers) She looks fat.

Vocab Lesson

Melissa: What's the difference between banana peppers and pepperoncini?

Me: I think they're the same thing.

Melissa: Oh really?

Me: Yeah. But at Subway when I order it, I only call it banana peppers.

Melissa: Yeah I think if you called it pepperoncini at Subway they would be so confused. They would be like, "Vhat?"

Pete Burns

Me: He looks like a mix between Megan Fox and Monica Bellucci.

Melissa: And the goldfish from American Dad

Freedom

Melissa: It must feel soooo good to get out of jail. So much freedom. You must feel like you could do anything, like drugs.

Care Package

me: ahh
  did u get my mail?:?

 Melissa: OMGG YESSS

 me: OMG GOOD

 Melissa: I CANT BELIEVE I FORGOT TO MENTION
 OMG LOLL I LOVE ITTTT

 me: melissa i had no clue if the postal service woudl accept it
i just put the little chick in an envelope and put two stamps on it

 Melissa: omg
  when i got the envelope,
 there was a little hole in it
  and blue fuzz was coming out
 and i was like, okay.. def. from maggie

 me: was it smashed?

 Melissa: hahahha
  yes it is so smashed
one of its wings broke off

 me: can it even stand up

 Melissa: no it has to lean against that purple duck u gave me
  hahaha
  but me and victor have named it 'jimbabwe'
 and it has been in victor's mouth a few times

 me: AHAHAHAHHA
  i can IMAGINE

 Melissa: LOL

me: i think it's cute that it's injured
  it's like it went to war between Chicago and California
  battle scars

Melissa: haha i knoww
  its face is on the left side of its body