Role Model

Melissa: okay so my teacher is like this really inspirational dragon lady
within the first 5 minutes of class, she was telling us to be the author of our own lives
and to be a shadow of a human being is really sad
and she made me get watery eyes
oh and my teacher said that we should not be in class to get our MRS
"Mrs. Degree"
she said all of this within the first 5 minutes btw

Birth Order

Melissa: i had a random theory during church
another deep thoughts moment
i think that if u are the youngest child in the family, ur ultimate goals in life, in who u want to be is basically within the range of what ur older siblings are like
like i think that if i wanted to be the perfect version of myself i would have to inherit ur qualities
basically this is my way of spilling the beans about how u complete me

Self Image

Melissa: i cant believe he majored in english at berkeley
that explains why when he talks his words are very crisp
crisp words means that ur confident about what u say
which means he's smart

me: which means i slur everything

Melissa: i totally slur
i slur so much
that is why u cant ever understand me
makes me nervous that i am basically a wet toast
a toast that's been soggy from its own condensation

Nature's Mysteries

me: ok
i am upset
that
chris pine
would even be RUMORED to be dating audrina

Melissa: oh i totally already knew that
ceiling eyes
i think about that from time to time
its something unexplainable
like the aurora skies
actually they are explainable probably but too lazy to wiki it

Parental Advice

me: so i was feeling good about last night
and then when i talked to mommy
she basically was like
oh that's great but take it slow
you dont know who they slept with
you dont know who they really are
she gave me the whole spiel
and i mean she is right, but what a buzzkill

Melissa: hahah
oh i kno
she has to say that tho
or else she is like orange oprah
lindsay lohan's mom

Small World

Melissa: oh and did u know that the guy who showed Daddy around rome the first time he went is like the first point of contact for the pope?
that is some da vinci code shit

Il Postino

Melissa: al pacino's body is cute
it's like i can put it in a little envelope
and put a stamp on it

We Don't Take Reservations

me: have u seen the No Reservations episode where he visits only shitty places?
it's 3 shitty places in one hour
it's hilarious
it's Baltimore, Detroit, and Buffalo

Melissa: LOL
omg yes
!!!
I WENT to like 2 places that he went to in detroit
the FEATHER BOWLING

me: OMG

Melissa: i bowled there
feather bowling is so fun

me: omg i cannot fucking believe u went feather bowling

Melissa: what if we went feather bowling
and saw anthony bourdain
first of all
i would say
'why the fuck are we feather bowling'

me: ahaaa
omg but i really wanted to go to the lebanese restaurant
that looked so fucking good

Melissa: omg i dont think i saw that part
cuz mommy kept switching back to real housewives of atlanta

me: lolllllll
she would

Melissa: she thought the episode was sooo boring
cuz it was poor food

Foodies

me: i saw the second vietnam No Reservations episode last night

Melissa: lololl
how did that make u feel

me: it made me want to cry
anthony looks for a place to live
and then he pays his respects to a woman whom he met in the first vietnam episode, who died

Melissa: omg really

me: it was so sad
:( :( :(

Melissa: omg im crying

me: anthony went to the buddhist temple where her ashes are
and he prayed with her son
i wanted to die

Melissa: omg fucking tears rolling down my face

me: vietnamese food is the best

Melissa: anthony bourdain
why is he so respectful
unlike andrew zimmern

me: !!! i know
omg
andrew is the worst
im so glad that anthony makes fun of him

Melissa: andrew zimmern would never do that
he would spit on her ashes and be like 'its a textural thing'

The Nightmare

Melissa: i had a weird family-related dream that made me feel uncomfortable
it involved our cousins, and we were at a family party and there was a bunch of food on a table
but i became frustrated b/c i really wanted the food
but somehow it couldnt get on my plate

True Love

Melissa: nothing beats the fact that i waved to oprah and had the chance to tell her that i love her
oprah knows that i love her
that completes my soul

Gut Feeling

Melissa: omg i hear a train and it reminds me of Little Children
i think kate winslet is going to have sex soon

Goals In Life

me: we can't die until one of us marries a famous person

Melissa: LOL
oh i know

me: and if neither of us marry someone famous, we are going to die like the way leonidas died in 300
with tons of arrows pierced through our bodies
bc we are gonna die trying

Melissa: HAHAH
omg so true
i think one of those arrows pricked me the other day
signaling time is running out

It's Not You, It's Me

Melissa: wait do u wanna hear something funny

me: yes go ahead

Melissa: victor's sister's exboyfriend, who is a tough guy or whatever, he didn't know the order of the months
she had to teach him
and he would pronounce shrimps as 'strimps'

me: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Melissa: wait can i say something else

me: yes

Melissa: he thought that September went first