Dog in Germany gives birth to 17 puppies

Melissa: It looks like copy paste.

Helping Others by Building them New Homes

Melissa: Take away the music and it's the most awkward shit you've ever seen.

News Feed

  
Melissa: Did you see that picture of her?

Me: Yeah.

Melissa: She looks so different in that photo. She looks European.

Me: Yeah.

Melissa: (whispers) She looks fat.

Vocab Lesson

Melissa: What's the difference between banana peppers and pepperoncini?

Me: I think they're the same thing.

Melissa: Oh really?

Me: Yeah. But at Subway when I order it, I only call it banana peppers.

Melissa: Yeah I think if you called it pepperoncini at Subway they would be so confused. They would be like, "Vhat?"

Pete Burns

Me: He looks like a mix between Megan Fox and Monica Bellucci.

Melissa: And the goldfish from American Dad

Freedom

Melissa: It must feel soooo good to get out of jail. So much freedom. You must feel like you could do anything, like drugs.

Care Package

me: ahh
  did u get my mail?:?

 Melissa: OMGG YESSS

 me: OMG GOOD

 Melissa: I CANT BELIEVE I FORGOT TO MENTION
 OMG LOLL I LOVE ITTTT

 me: melissa i had no clue if the postal service woudl accept it
i just put the little chick in an envelope and put two stamps on it

 Melissa: omg
  when i got the envelope,
 there was a little hole in it
  and blue fuzz was coming out
 and i was like, okay.. def. from maggie

 me: was it smashed?

 Melissa: hahahha
  yes it is so smashed
one of its wings broke off

 me: can it even stand up

 Melissa: no it has to lean against that purple duck u gave me
  hahaha
  but me and victor have named it 'jimbabwe'
 and it has been in victor's mouth a few times

 me: AHAHAHAHHA
  i can IMAGINE

 Melissa: LOL

me: i think it's cute that it's injured
  it's like it went to war between Chicago and California
  battle scars

Melissa: haha i knoww
  its face is on the left side of its body

Commencement Speaker at University of California

me: do u know who the northwestern commencement speaker will be???

 Melissa: whoo?

 me: christiane amanpour!!!

 Melissa: omgg!!

 me: do u want to graduate at NU instead

 Melissa: yesss
  omg jealousss
who is our speaker gonna be
probably mr. bob lando
  lol ok i just made up a random name

¡Atame!

Melissa: oh u should watch shakira-did it again vid
  u will need new underwear

The End Has Come

Melissa: IM DONE WITH SCHOOL
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
victor is playing 'we are the champions' on his computer so i will know forever that that is the first song i heared after i was done with school
this marks the end of my life as i know it
and after i was done with class me and victor walked around downtown to search for food and there was a bunch of little flowers flying in the air from the trees and it was like confetti

-----

Melissa: i dunno what to do with myself
kill myself?

me: yeah
definitely
smell ya later dead sister

Melissa: ahaha<3

Hurt Feelings

me: i read some article that said that if illegal online downloads were Oscar votes, District 9 would have won hands down
isn't that funny

Melissa: hahah
totally
it is soo better than hurt locker tho
hurt locker is too grungy
there are a few really pretty scenes where they do stuff in slow mo like mythbusters
but thats it
haha omg idd u know that the main actor guy basically had diarrhea the whole time during hte movie
does that make u love him more

me: AHAH
omg
love him the most

Melissa: i am surprised that u liked hurt locker lolol
i would think that u would be napping for the whole movie

me: yeah i liked it
i was pleasantly surprised
i liked it more bc it made me feel more hope that james cameron would be defeated

Melissa: hahaahh
i like how u actually loved avatar tho
u loved it so much

me: but truthfully, hurt locker is just a conspiracy to tear him down
i know
lol
i hate james cameron tho

Melissa: it is SUCH a conspiracy
why wont anyone say it

me: i know
hurt locker is not that good

Bad Dreams and Bad Boys

Melissa: omg so i had a weird dream
that my nails were all separating from my fingers
and it got so bad that i had to peel the one off of my thumb
and i started crying
hahah
and oh yeah mommy was talking on her cell phone with jason statham for some reason

me: HAHAHAHAH
OMG

Melissa: LOL
isnt that weeeird
like why
why is mommy friends with jason statham
maybe my dream has something to do with the fact that i saw An Education last night?
maybe the nails were from my conflicting feelings about how peter sarsgaard is obvz gay

French Films

Love Me If You Dare (2003)
dir. Yann Samuell
Starring Guillaume Canet and Marion Cotillard

Melissa: u should just go to france
and pick up a guy on the metro

me: i know
and get pick pocketed by him

Melissa: hahah tots
ohh i showed victor love me if u dare
i was surprised that he actually liked it
especially with the concrete ending

me: omg
the ending
is the worst

Melissa: i know it sucked so bad
i wanted to die
i wanted to be buried in concrete only up to my neck so i die a slow and painful death as all the water from my body escapes into the concrete

Shudder Island

***Spoiler Alert***

me: omg melissa tell me about shutter island
dont tell me the ending
i mean
is it worth it

Melissa: hmmmmm
it is a good movie but it is not a bundle of laughs

me: aw man
yeah
i had a feeling

Melissa: and u will probably guess the ending from the first five minutes
or even from the trailer

me: i feel like i already know the ending

Melissa: hahaha
yes, u do

me: it seems too obvious
ok i know it right?

Melissa: yes

me: then why is it supposed to be shockin

Melissa: hahaha

me: or like "the most insane twist"
like they say

Melissa: its not exactly shocking just interesting to see everything being resolved
u have to be a dumbass to not know
u have to basically be napping for the whoel movie to not know

me: ahahah
ok
can i guess
i was hoping that i would read the book and get bamboozled
and that i would be surprised that i dont actually know the twist
but i know it?

Melissa: yep
u sooo know it

me: ok can i say it
and then u tell me

Melissa: yes
omg if u get it wrong i am going to laugh

me: leo is loko

Melissa: haha yess

me: god
im so mad

Melissa: duhh

me: such bs
but i can see why it's intersting to see how it gets resolved

Melissa: yeah
cuz u get to find out what everything meant
all the weird little things that happened
they make it so obvious for u tho
that he is four loko

Dog Talk

In memory of Daddy

me: dogs are SO cute

Melissa: why are they soo cute?

me: i have no idea
i dont think that all dogs are cute tho
i dont like most terriers, dogs that look like they have oily short hair

Melissa: hahah oily hair
its not their faulttt

me: lolll whatever it is all their fault

Melissa: there are so many dogs that walk around campus here with their owners without a leash

me: !!! i dont approve

Melissa: i knoww
it makes me feel unstable
but it is cute at the same time because they are so loyal
and will follow every step of their owner
the dogs i see actually follow their owners and dont look at anyone else

me: oh omg that is so cute

Melissa: there is this dog that walks around with its owner and his owner looks like andy dick

Ideas Worth Spreading

Melissa: haha my teacher is showing another TED talks vid

me: ahaaa
do u feel motivated

Melissa: no cuz the guy who is talking right now is really ugly

Can you meet me halfway?

me: melissa were are all the cute nice boys

Melissa: i dunno?
eharmony

Making Plans

me: if we live together in the bay area, where would we live?
would we ever live in SF?

Melissa: hmmm
would we?
only if we are really adventurous
or trying too hard
i dont really want to live there
i want to live in a place where you can drive to a mall
and drive to costco easily

Bryan Greenberg Revisited

Melissa: omg remem when we saw bryan greenberg (it's okay i dont remember either), and he talked about his new hbo show
it already premiered

me: AHAHAHA
yes ive seen it
u might like it
it's kinda boring
but it's edited cool

Melissa: u were one of the 600,000 ppl who saw it
isnt that sad

Weight Watcher

me: i need to buy a scale

Melissa: u should
scales are fun
but only when you are not being fat

Bad dreams

Melissa: i had the weirdest dream
about u

me: !!
tell me

Melissa: ok,
so in my dream we were hanging out with mommy and daddy and we lived in our fremont house
and you had your boyfriend over to visit
and he looked like a manlier version of justin theroux
but the thing is
earlier that day i saw a youtube video of your boyfriend with his friend and they killed a baby
and i was telling you, OMG you can't trust this guy because i saw him kill a baby
and then you started talking something about how you know, and that he has anger issues
and then i asked you if he hurt you yet, and you gave some ambiguous answer that meant 'yes'
and then...
my alarm clock went off
LOL
what does that dream mean
i think it probably has to do with the fact that i bootlegged saw shutter island last night

No Kleenex for Kids

me: i know that many times i would have really bad snotty noses
but iw ouldn't cover it up
cuz i thought that covering it up meant that something was wrong

Melissa: LOL OMGG
I KNOW

me: and if u just acted like there was no snot on your nose, then there wasn't

Melissa: if u covered it, its like EVERYONE WILL KNO U HAVE SNOT

Childhood Trauma Part Deux

Melissa: did u have imaginary friends when u were a kid
cuz.. i did
except they werent imaginary
they were real people from school that i would pretend i was friends with

Childhood Trauma

Melissa: i have one traumatic memory
i remember when u caught me talking on my fake cell phone
i was so embarassed
but

me: AHAHAHAAHHAHAHAH
OMG
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
AHAHHAHAHA

Melissa: HAHAHAHHAHA

me: I DO NOT REMEMBER THIS AT ALLLL

Melissa: OMG ARE U SERIOUS LOLOLOLLLLL

me: AHAHAHAHKALSKLdjklsdjlafjlkasdf
NO!!!!!!!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
omg
that is SO CLASSIC

Melissa: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA OMG LOL
OMG i cant believe u do n ot remember

me: AHAAAA
that is THE BEST
ahahahah
NO

Melissa: u were looking at me from upstairs on the balcoony thingy, and i was laying on the floor talking into my fake cellphone (calculator that grandma gave me) and u were like 'what are u doing'
i was like OMG and i said something stupid
and u were like yeahh right and walked away

My Super Sweet Life

Melissa: hello
lol i am so spoiled
i am like so ahead of the game because i am automatically richer than all those kids who have to pay loans
i am like thousands of dollars richer than them

Job Huntress

Melissa: mmm omg what if i work at stanford
ohh that would be cute i can look at palo alto everyday
lolol that probably sounds disgusting to u

----

Melissa: i dont want to work
i want to have vacation forever
to be happy u must do an activity that matches an appropriate amount of challenge with your own level of skill and communications

The Biggest Loser

Melissa: there are a bunch of dorky looking girls in my exercise walking class
cuz only a nerd would take exercise walking


me: we are fat actresses
Melissa: i know
we are like kelly osbourne fat

New Year's Resolution

Melissa: who is your thinspiration?