This is Kunst

Melissa: i also watched a german movie last night called 'love in thoughts' on netflix streaming, with daniel bruhl!!!!
the movie was so 'deep' and it is one of those movies that hans landa would say that it was a movie made as a commodity and sold as art.

School

Melissa: i am learning about subliminal messages right now in class
this class PENIS is really interesting

Man's Best Friend

Melissa: the idea of owen wilson and jennifer aniston in one movie sounds like downing a big cup of broken glass.

Secrets by One Republic

Secrets by One Republic

feat. the new German film "Zweiohrkueken" (Two-Eared Chick),
the sequel to "Keinorhasen" (Rabbit without Ears)
feat. HUGO STIGLITZ

Melissa: did u see the vid yet???

me: no it's taking forever to dl

Melissa: :(
can i tell u what it is

me: no
yes?
tell me

Melissa: k ill tell u
stiglittzzz everywhereee
i think its scenes from his new movie?
at first i thought it was just for the music vid

me: WHAT
WHAT
wait
also
WHAT

Melissa: but some scenes were like totally unexplained and i was like ok this is definitely from a movie
!! yes!!
stiglitzz
isnt that weird??
why would one republic do that lol

me: OH I KNOW
I KNOW WHY
bc u know that one movie where stiglitz is a bully to the girl
he plays the papparazzo [Keinohrhasen]

Melissa: uh huh

me: and he talks to that little girl
who is actually his daughter
well that one republic song with timabland was like the movie theme

Melissa: whaaat loll
sooo weird

me: and when i watched interviews about the movie, they could not stop talking about one republic
cuz they're german
u know?

Melissa: HAHAH
omg lolol

me: i bet that's why one republic asked him to be in the video

Melissa: that is like finding out that twilight vampires sparkle in sunlight

Bear Naked

Melissa: the only person who can beat bear grylls
is bear grylls

me: i know
if u had to be in some kind of region/environment/atmosphere/country with bear, what would it be?
a part of me wants to go to a cold region

Melissa: ooo same here

me: cuz he would find some reason to get butt naked

Melissa: cuz he always gets naked there
LOL

me: sistahhhhhz

Melissa: sistahhhzz
i would ask him to demonstrate how to get out of an ice hole
lol aw cute he has a little pudge on his stomach
eating too many shepards pies at home?

Boyfriend

me: i just realized that sam rockwell's character's name in Choke is Victor

Melissa: oh i knoww
its a sign

me: sign that...?

Melissa: i dunno
just felt like saying it

Shelter from the Storm

Melissa: i had a dream a couple of days ago
that i was on the L
and there was this guy with a gun
who was basically going to kill everyone
and my heart was beating so fast

me: !!
scary

Melissa: i escaped tho

me: lol
and went to grand luxe cafe?

Melissa: even better
i escaped to ur apt
and it was huge

House Hunting

me: after im done with chicago, im going to buy a condo in spinsterville

Melissa: i bet the rent is cheap

Mixed Emotions

Melissa: i have to tell u something
i had a weird embarrassing crush yesterday
while i was watching this one political documentary in my class

me: yes
who

Melissa: this was an old documentary btw
james carville
HAHA

me: ahahahahahhaha
omg
....

Melissa: ok
yeah
he had hair in the documentary
lololll

me: wait can u find a pic of this documentary
i want to see james carville as a hottie

Melissa: 'the war room'
its about clinton's first presidential campaign
i cant find pics
but i can find pics of him next to gollum
the resemblance is uncanny

High Class

Melissa: u are such an elitist

me: omg i am the hugest elitist ever

Melissa: IA stanford northwestern

me: i know

Melissa: ur missing one thing tho
i went to private preschool bitch

me: AHAHAH
omg
i was waiting for it
i know
my whole life
is defined by the fact that i couldn't go to Challenger

Melissa: where is my fucking challenger tote bag
omg challenger's website
such bullshit
i dont have one single memory from that school
and ur the one who got to go to stanford

me: LOL
i have so many memories
of visiting

Life Flashing Before Your Eyes

Melissa: omg what will u do if olympics is in chicago in 2016
will u suicide

me: YES
omg
well maybe if we get olympics then there will be an express train on the weekends

Melissa: hahahah
but there would be like 50 million ppl on it
and like
cubs game
every day
all day
all night
x2

me: it would be so bad
2016
how many yrs is that
6
ok
i have to get the hell out of chicago before then
BUT
omg
what if i get to have sex with like some swimmers

Melissa: LOL
consider urself STDed
chicago's a big town
big vaginas

me: i know
lololll
man
yeah on friday we are having a viewing party at work
to see if we get it
if we do, i dont know what's going to happen

Melissa: u should have a funeral party!!!
since u all are going to commit suicide
u can have a funeral while ur still alive
cuz once everyone suicides no one will be alive to show up to ur funeral

Street Smart

Melissa: okay one reason why i love victor: he knows more actor names than i do

me: that's amazing
that's really important
that's why the guy i met this weekend is off my list
cuz he didn't know who jason segel was

Melissa: how could u not know who jason segel is
he must be from the 20th century

Suddenly I See

Melissa: this clip of the Blind Date movie
apparently blindness is when u focus ur eyes on people's pantsss
blindness should be called pantness
okay too much
i couldnt bring myself to watch the whole video

True Colors

me: i dont think that the interviewer was accusing Zach of being gay tho

Melissa: haha yeah he was assuming he was straight
when u assume you make an ass out of u and me

Papa, Paparazzi

me: i was like omg i want to move to LA
and marry someone famous
but then when i walked into the business school today
and saw so many hotties
i was like
no i want to marry a wealthy anonymous person
bc i am a private person

Melissa: oh i kno
u would be so annoyed if they were famous
cuz u would know too much about them too quickly

me: it would be a huge nightmare
well it's not that
i dont mind knowing too much
it's just that
u cant go to Safeway without someone making a big
deal out of it

Melissa: hehe yeah
so sad
i would get so much crap in the tabloids about my
safeway excursions
no makeup

The Lost Girls

Melissa: hehehe
we should become professional Imaginers
we would do well in the world of Hook

Role Model

Melissa: okay so my teacher is like this really inspirational dragon lady
within the first 5 minutes of class, she was telling us to be the author of our own lives
and to be a shadow of a human being is really sad
and she made me get watery eyes
oh and my teacher said that we should not be in class to get our MRS
"Mrs. Degree"
she said all of this within the first 5 minutes btw

Birth Order

Melissa: i had a random theory during church
another deep thoughts moment
i think that if u are the youngest child in the family, ur ultimate goals in life, in who u want to be is basically within the range of what ur older siblings are like
like i think that if i wanted to be the perfect version of myself i would have to inherit ur qualities
basically this is my way of spilling the beans about how u complete me

Self Image

Melissa: i cant believe he majored in english at berkeley
that explains why when he talks his words are very crisp
crisp words means that ur confident about what u say
which means he's smart

me: which means i slur everything

Melissa: i totally slur
i slur so much
that is why u cant ever understand me
makes me nervous that i am basically a wet toast
a toast that's been soggy from its own condensation

Nature's Mysteries

me: ok
i am upset
that
chris pine
would even be RUMORED to be dating audrina

Melissa: oh i totally already knew that
ceiling eyes
i think about that from time to time
its something unexplainable
like the aurora skies
actually they are explainable probably but too lazy to wiki it

Parental Advice

me: so i was feeling good about last night
and then when i talked to mommy
she basically was like
oh that's great but take it slow
you dont know who they slept with
you dont know who they really are
she gave me the whole spiel
and i mean she is right, but what a buzzkill

Melissa: hahah
oh i kno
she has to say that tho
or else she is like orange oprah
lindsay lohan's mom

Small World

Melissa: oh and did u know that the guy who showed Daddy around rome the first time he went is like the first point of contact for the pope?
that is some da vinci code shit

Il Postino

Melissa: al pacino's body is cute
it's like i can put it in a little envelope
and put a stamp on it

We Don't Take Reservations

me: have u seen the No Reservations episode where he visits only shitty places?
it's 3 shitty places in one hour
it's hilarious
it's Baltimore, Detroit, and Buffalo

Melissa: LOL
omg yes
!!!
I WENT to like 2 places that he went to in detroit
the FEATHER BOWLING

me: OMG

Melissa: i bowled there
feather bowling is so fun

me: omg i cannot fucking believe u went feather bowling

Melissa: what if we went feather bowling
and saw anthony bourdain
first of all
i would say
'why the fuck are we feather bowling'

me: ahaaa
omg but i really wanted to go to the lebanese restaurant
that looked so fucking good

Melissa: omg i dont think i saw that part
cuz mommy kept switching back to real housewives of atlanta

me: lolllllll
she would

Melissa: she thought the episode was sooo boring
cuz it was poor food

Foodies

me: i saw the second vietnam No Reservations episode last night

Melissa: lololl
how did that make u feel

me: it made me want to cry
anthony looks for a place to live
and then he pays his respects to a woman whom he met in the first vietnam episode, who died

Melissa: omg really

me: it was so sad
:( :( :(

Melissa: omg im crying

me: anthony went to the buddhist temple where her ashes are
and he prayed with her son
i wanted to die

Melissa: omg fucking tears rolling down my face

me: vietnamese food is the best

Melissa: anthony bourdain
why is he so respectful
unlike andrew zimmern

me: !!! i know
omg
andrew is the worst
im so glad that anthony makes fun of him

Melissa: andrew zimmern would never do that
he would spit on her ashes and be like 'its a textural thing'

The Nightmare

Melissa: i had a weird family-related dream that made me feel uncomfortable
it involved our cousins, and we were at a family party and there was a bunch of food on a table
but i became frustrated b/c i really wanted the food
but somehow it couldnt get on my plate

True Love

Melissa: nothing beats the fact that i waved to oprah and had the chance to tell her that i love her
oprah knows that i love her
that completes my soul

Gut Feeling

Melissa: omg i hear a train and it reminds me of Little Children
i think kate winslet is going to have sex soon

Goals In Life

me: we can't die until one of us marries a famous person

Melissa: LOL
oh i know

me: and if neither of us marry someone famous, we are going to die like the way leonidas died in 300
with tons of arrows pierced through our bodies
bc we are gonna die trying

Melissa: HAHAH
omg so true
i think one of those arrows pricked me the other day
signaling time is running out

It's Not You, It's Me

Melissa: wait do u wanna hear something funny

me: yes go ahead

Melissa: victor's sister's exboyfriend, who is a tough guy or whatever, he didn't know the order of the months
she had to teach him
and he would pronounce shrimps as 'strimps'

me: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Melissa: wait can i say something else

me: yes

Melissa: he thought that September went first

Operation Have Sex on Prom Night

Melissa: wait didnt u think it was so hot when bridget von hammersmarck said that she is escorting those 3 dudes to the premiere
lucky girl
they are all so handsome

me: actually i wasn't that jealous when bridget had 3 escorts

Melissa: really?
i thought it was cute
its like she was taking them under her wing

me: it's like taking 3 nerds as your date u know
it was like she was tutoring them
omar was not hot
he ruined it
and aldo was so dumb

Melissa: oh noo
not those
wrong scene
stiglitz/hicox/other dude

me: OH
YES
OMG

Melissa: the other dude was cute too but in a vulgar way

me: omgomgomogm
i WAS really jealous

Melissa: LOL
SO JEALOUS

me: SOOOOOOOO JEALOUS
omg

Melissa: SOOOOO JEALOUS

me: omgomgomgogmogmogmogog

Melissa: lol!!
dude
taking those 3 guys to the formal...
would be classic

me: omg i wish i took those three guys to senior formal
drei dates
i want drei dates to formal

Melissa: HAHAH
classic

Nation's Pride (Schpoiler Alert)

Melissa: wait
can i tell u something else
i want frederick zoller to hit on me

me: i want zoller to hit on me so bad

Melissa: i totally want him to hit on me
so smooth

me: when shoshanna said "close the door"
i wanted to pounce on him for realz

Melissa: LOL omg me too

me: right?????

Melissa: especially after he broke open the door
thats hot

me: she should have did it with him and then shot him

Melissa: omg if they did it it would be too much
too much satisfaction
quentin tarantino is a tease
which explains why stiglitz died :(

me: :( :( :(

When Nein Means Yes

Melissa: can we talk about the strudels
i love how he ordered cream
and didnt let her eat it until the cream came
hans landa is such an amazing character

me: i love the fact that he wouldn't let her eat before the cream arrived
i was confused tho cuz i thought he ordered cream for his espresso
but then when i learned that he wanted her to wait so that she can enjoy the strudel in all its glory
i was like omg
u sly fox
i dont know whether to love you or hate you

Forbidden Desires

Melissa: omg i forgot to say
that next time i get drunk with u
im going to confess that i have a huge crush on hans landa

me: AHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAH
wait
u dont have to say anything

Melissa: LOL
do u have a crush on him?
i mean even though he's probably totally gay

me: he is absolutely gay

Melissa: HAHA yes 'absolutely'
i can imagine him saying 'i am absolutely gay'
inflection on the 'solutely'

Poke

me: did u see my facebook
I'm Stiglitz's fan now

Melissa: lololol omg u can become a fan?

me: look at the text below his profile pic
it's amazing

Melissa: LOLL

me: i know right

Melissa: omg love whoever put that there
i bet archie hicox wrote that

My Man

me: i think one big reason why i prefer stiglitz over bear jew is cuz i like how stiglitz kills his own kind
there is something really hot about that

Melissa: oh i know i was thinking about how u like him so much
i bet its b/c u feel like he would totally protect u
so protective
if a guy smiles at u he would point his gun to his balls

me: i know
sigh

Melissa: or think about how he was whipped
lololol

me: ahahaha
wait
OMG
what was that scene about
i dont get it

Melissa: LOL

me: so he was thinking about that cuz he was bored?

Melissa: okay im sure its totally going to be explained in the prequel
i think it was just to show that his mind does not think about games

She Respectfully Refuses ;) ;)

Melissa: wait did u think that when bear jew was walking down the tunnel that he was hot
oh and i love that clicking noise
it made my heart beat so fast and my eyes were like this 0_0 the whole time
do u know who the hottest person was tho?
the dairy farmer's youngest daughter

Goldilox

me: ive been reading film reviews of IB
bc i am interested in hearing what ppl think

Melissa: oh yeah me too

me: and they all seem to think that eli roth is the worst actor on the planet

Melissa: eli roth is the BEST actor on the planet
i could read his emotions in his eyelashes

Inglourious Basterds

Melissa: i love that movie seriously
did seth watch it?

me: he said no
and
he is a little offended that u said it's better than kill bill

Melissa: omg
u have no idea
he has no idea
kill bill is dust

me: omg
how can u say that
i cant believe it
at all
the story of kill bill is amazing tho
it's a fucked up love story
it's girl power too

Melissa: whatevz
bill died from erotic asphyxiation
and not from the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique

me: omg
but
u are setting the highest of high expectations
it's gonna be like seth saying children of men is the best
and actually it blew

Melissa: children of men died of erotic asphyxiation

- - -

Melissa: the movie is long, but i loved all of it
there was this one asian couple infront of us who walked out in the middle of the movie
they were young lol
(dumb)
i bet their fav movie is white chicks

- - -

Melissa: kill bill is like lil wayne
Inglorious Basterds is like...kanye

- - -

me: i got mad when people were like "!!!!" and gasping during the scalping
and the swastika carving
i was like shut the fuck up
let me enjoy it

Melissa: oh i bet people in evanston went wild
i hated evanston ppl's reactions when watching movies btw

- - -

Melissa: i feel more secure about my identity now that i have a fav movie

- - -

Melissa: u know how sometimes u wonder why people are so against gay marriage
its like wondering why ppl dont like inglourious

Monster

me: have you ever donated blood

Melissa: no i will never donate blood
ppl should donate their blood to me

Carpe Diem

Melissa: oh and i am annoyed
b/c my writing teacher all of a sudden told us that we need a rough draft of our essay tomorrow
"fuck"

City, I Love You

Melissa: have u seen the trailer for New York, I Love You???

me: OMG
NO

Melissa: love that trailer

me: THAT MOVIE
OMGOMGOMG
HOLY Shit

Melissa: WATCH IT

me: u know
it wont be as good as u think it's gonna be
there's too much going on
bradley will be on screen for like only 2 mins max

Melissa: the movie looks like i dweamed
i know he is

me: all the bradley cooper parts in the trailer are all the bradley cooper parts in the movie
and that's it
and i loved it

Melissa: LOL
yeah u dont have to go buy the ticket now arent u happy

me: i want there to be a San Francisco, Te Amo

Melissa: LOL
omg i would totally see that
there should be a bit about rice a roni
and dockers khaki pants

Pull'd Over

Melissa: ommgg
a cop pulled a guy over after yelling at him thru a megaphone
and it IS RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOWWWW
omg they are seriously parked 5 feet away from me
okay not 5
10 feet
and they told the guy to STEP OUTSIDE THE CARRR
SO EXCITING

me: omg
!!!!!!!!!!!!
PEEK THROUGH THE SHADES

Melissa: lololllll
omg me and victor just turned off all the lights
and were peeking thru the shades
i have no idea what it was about
the two cops seemed angry tho
i think it was 2 black cops
and they pulled over a white guy

me: omg
ok
ashton kutcher is sooo gonna run up to them in about 3 secs

Melissa: omg i know
NO ashton kutcher is going to run up to me in about 3 secs

Other Melissa

Melissa: this is a random thought, but there is this asian girl in my writing class and she has never said a word, i haven't even seen her with her mouth open its always closed, and she has really oily hair
i saw a flake of dandruff on her head today

me: umm
that girl may or not may be me

Melissa: HAHA
omg it is so you
she is always looking down too
she's probably scared that he will call on her
why is her hair always oily
i mean there is not one day when i saw her without oily hair
does that mean she's never showered
and why is she acting like melissa circa 2nd grade

Mr. Clean

me: i cleaned up all the icons on my desktop so that less things would block Phil's face
i should just try to delete everything including Recycle Bin and My Computer

Melissa: haha oh i know
ull never be able to throw anything away again
but who gives a shit

What Are You Doing?

Melissa: what goes on in the mind of a person who uses twitter

me: i know
u should be on twitter tho

Melissa: i feel like it wouldnt work for me
b/c i need something to work with
materials
maybe my tweets will start with a bunch of @'s

Mystery Shopper

me: when i came to work on tuesday, someone drew a weird smiley face on my white board
it looks "pleased"
like, it's eyes are little "u"s

Melissa: LOL

me: well i just came back from the bathroom
my smiley face now has curly hair??????

Melissa: HAHAHAH
omg who did it lol
that is hilarious

me: did u know that the cleaning lady secretly draws flowers on ppl's boards
she also wrote a poem on this one woman's board, this woman who went on maternity leave
the poem is so weird

Melissa: that is cute
what was the poem

me: hold on let me see if it's still up
ok
i just wrote it down
omg
LOLOLOLOL

It a girl
She is fun
She is sweet
She is qute
(sic)
She is honey
Congratulation
For you mommy
She is sun
She is moon
I hope she grows
Happy pretty soon

oh also in the poem, there is a picture of a sun below the word sun

Melissa: LOL
omg
that maid is going to steal her baby

Self Awareness

me: my boss just left and said bye
and "feel better"
but im not sick?

Melissa: HAHAH
what is that supposed to mean
are your boobs showing?
maybe your stomach is showing
i had a really embarrassing moment with that
i was wearing a button up shirt
and i thought i was really cool
and then when i came home i realized that all the buttons on my stomach area were open
"fuck"

Summer of Love

Melissa: i want to see moviez
harry potter/district 9/inglourious

me: i dont want to see any of those

Melissa: my friend who works at the movie theatre said that people walked out of district 9 puking
after i heard that i was like YES

me: why would u puke at district 9

Melissa: it is like a mystery
it's like hearing that people came out of lord of the rings puking
id be like yesss

me: u should eat a bunch of nachos and jalapenos throughout the movie

Melissa: i know
and a large coke
a coke that doesn't even fit in the cup holders
and i am going to cut a hole in my popcorn

me: OMG
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
omg
you're gonna jerk off at district 9
best
classic

So Long Gay Boys

me: look at that pic

Melissa: why does he look fruity
maybe he is gay
OMG HE IS GAY
that is why he wasn't going for u

me: omg melissa, he is gay

Melissa: look at that face

me: im looking at it

Melissa: that is so gay
omg when u see him u should treat him like a gay boy
and see how he reacts
if he lovez it,
then u know what

me: i know
another one bites the dust
-carrie

Melissa: lolololll

me: i didn't even think that he was gay when i saw that pic for the first time
but once u said it
5 mins ago
it was like mount vesuvius exploded
and now truth lava is all over the earth

Melissa: hahahha
truth lava is all over ur face