Operation Have Sex on Prom Night

Melissa: wait didnt u think it was so hot when bridget von hammersmarck said that she is escorting those 3 dudes to the premiere
lucky girl
they are all so handsome

me: actually i wasn't that jealous when bridget had 3 escorts

Melissa: really?
i thought it was cute
its like she was taking them under her wing

me: it's like taking 3 nerds as your date u know
it was like she was tutoring them
omar was not hot
he ruined it
and aldo was so dumb

Melissa: oh noo
not those
wrong scene
stiglitz/hicox/other dude

me: OH
YES
OMG

Melissa: the other dude was cute too but in a vulgar way

me: omgomgomogm
i WAS really jealous

Melissa: LOL
SO JEALOUS

me: SOOOOOOOO JEALOUS
omg

Melissa: SOOOOO JEALOUS

me: omgomgomgogmogmogmogog

Melissa: lol!!
dude
taking those 3 guys to the formal...
would be classic

me: omg i wish i took those three guys to senior formal
drei dates
i want drei dates to formal

Melissa: HAHAH
classic

Nation's Pride (Schpoiler Alert)

Melissa: wait
can i tell u something else
i want frederick zoller to hit on me

me: i want zoller to hit on me so bad

Melissa: i totally want him to hit on me
so smooth

me: when shoshanna said "close the door"
i wanted to pounce on him for realz

Melissa: LOL omg me too

me: right?????

Melissa: especially after he broke open the door
thats hot

me: she should have did it with him and then shot him

Melissa: omg if they did it it would be too much
too much satisfaction
quentin tarantino is a tease
which explains why stiglitz died :(

me: :( :( :(

When Nein Means Yes

Melissa: can we talk about the strudels
i love how he ordered cream
and didnt let her eat it until the cream came
hans landa is such an amazing character

me: i love the fact that he wouldn't let her eat before the cream arrived
i was confused tho cuz i thought he ordered cream for his espresso
but then when i learned that he wanted her to wait so that she can enjoy the strudel in all its glory
i was like omg
u sly fox
i dont know whether to love you or hate you

Forbidden Desires

Melissa: omg i forgot to say
that next time i get drunk with u
im going to confess that i have a huge crush on hans landa

me: AHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAH
wait
u dont have to say anything

Melissa: LOL
do u have a crush on him?
i mean even though he's probably totally gay

me: he is absolutely gay

Melissa: HAHA yes 'absolutely'
i can imagine him saying 'i am absolutely gay'
inflection on the 'solutely'

Poke

me: did u see my facebook
I'm Stiglitz's fan now

Melissa: lololol omg u can become a fan?

me: look at the text below his profile pic
it's amazing

Melissa: LOLL

me: i know right

Melissa: omg love whoever put that there
i bet archie hicox wrote that

My Man

me: i think one big reason why i prefer stiglitz over bear jew is cuz i like how stiglitz kills his own kind
there is something really hot about that

Melissa: oh i know i was thinking about how u like him so much
i bet its b/c u feel like he would totally protect u
so protective
if a guy smiles at u he would point his gun to his balls

me: i know
sigh

Melissa: or think about how he was whipped
lololol

me: ahahaha
wait
OMG
what was that scene about
i dont get it

Melissa: LOL

me: so he was thinking about that cuz he was bored?

Melissa: okay im sure its totally going to be explained in the prequel
i think it was just to show that his mind does not think about games

She Respectfully Refuses ;) ;)

Melissa: wait did u think that when bear jew was walking down the tunnel that he was hot
oh and i love that clicking noise
it made my heart beat so fast and my eyes were like this 0_0 the whole time
do u know who the hottest person was tho?
the dairy farmer's youngest daughter

Goldilox

me: ive been reading film reviews of IB
bc i am interested in hearing what ppl think

Melissa: oh yeah me too

me: and they all seem to think that eli roth is the worst actor on the planet

Melissa: eli roth is the BEST actor on the planet
i could read his emotions in his eyelashes

Inglourious Basterds

Melissa: i love that movie seriously
did seth watch it?

me: he said no
and
he is a little offended that u said it's better than kill bill

Melissa: omg
u have no idea
he has no idea
kill bill is dust

me: omg
how can u say that
i cant believe it
at all
the story of kill bill is amazing tho
it's a fucked up love story
it's girl power too

Melissa: whatevz
bill died from erotic asphyxiation
and not from the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique

me: omg
but
u are setting the highest of high expectations
it's gonna be like seth saying children of men is the best
and actually it blew

Melissa: children of men died of erotic asphyxiation

- - -

Melissa: the movie is long, but i loved all of it
there was this one asian couple infront of us who walked out in the middle of the movie
they were young lol
(dumb)
i bet their fav movie is white chicks

- - -

Melissa: kill bill is like lil wayne
Inglorious Basterds is like...kanye

- - -

me: i got mad when people were like "!!!!" and gasping during the scalping
and the swastika carving
i was like shut the fuck up
let me enjoy it

Melissa: oh i bet people in evanston went wild
i hated evanston ppl's reactions when watching movies btw

- - -

Melissa: i feel more secure about my identity now that i have a fav movie

- - -

Melissa: u know how sometimes u wonder why people are so against gay marriage
its like wondering why ppl dont like inglourious

Monster

me: have you ever donated blood

Melissa: no i will never donate blood
ppl should donate their blood to me

Carpe Diem

Melissa: oh and i am annoyed
b/c my writing teacher all of a sudden told us that we need a rough draft of our essay tomorrow
"fuck"

City, I Love You

Melissa: have u seen the trailer for New York, I Love You???

me: OMG
NO

Melissa: love that trailer

me: THAT MOVIE
OMGOMGOMG
HOLY Shit

Melissa: WATCH IT

me: u know
it wont be as good as u think it's gonna be
there's too much going on
bradley will be on screen for like only 2 mins max

Melissa: the movie looks like i dweamed
i know he is

me: all the bradley cooper parts in the trailer are all the bradley cooper parts in the movie
and that's it
and i loved it

Melissa: LOL
yeah u dont have to go buy the ticket now arent u happy

me: i want there to be a San Francisco, Te Amo

Melissa: LOL
omg i would totally see that
there should be a bit about rice a roni
and dockers khaki pants

Pull'd Over

Melissa: ommgg
a cop pulled a guy over after yelling at him thru a megaphone
and it IS RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOWWWW
omg they are seriously parked 5 feet away from me
okay not 5
10 feet
and they told the guy to STEP OUTSIDE THE CARRR
SO EXCITING

me: omg
!!!!!!!!!!!!
PEEK THROUGH THE SHADES

Melissa: lololllll
omg me and victor just turned off all the lights
and were peeking thru the shades
i have no idea what it was about
the two cops seemed angry tho
i think it was 2 black cops
and they pulled over a white guy

me: omg
ok
ashton kutcher is sooo gonna run up to them in about 3 secs

Melissa: omg i know
NO ashton kutcher is going to run up to me in about 3 secs

Other Melissa

Melissa: this is a random thought, but there is this asian girl in my writing class and she has never said a word, i haven't even seen her with her mouth open its always closed, and she has really oily hair
i saw a flake of dandruff on her head today

me: umm
that girl may or not may be me

Melissa: HAHA
omg it is so you
she is always looking down too
she's probably scared that he will call on her
why is her hair always oily
i mean there is not one day when i saw her without oily hair
does that mean she's never showered
and why is she acting like melissa circa 2nd grade

Mr. Clean

me: i cleaned up all the icons on my desktop so that less things would block Phil's face
i should just try to delete everything including Recycle Bin and My Computer

Melissa: haha oh i know
ull never be able to throw anything away again
but who gives a shit

What Are You Doing?

Melissa: what goes on in the mind of a person who uses twitter

me: i know
u should be on twitter tho

Melissa: i feel like it wouldnt work for me
b/c i need something to work with
materials
maybe my tweets will start with a bunch of @'s

Mystery Shopper

me: when i came to work on tuesday, someone drew a weird smiley face on my white board
it looks "pleased"
like, it's eyes are little "u"s

Melissa: LOL

me: well i just came back from the bathroom
my smiley face now has curly hair??????

Melissa: HAHAHAH
omg who did it lol
that is hilarious

me: did u know that the cleaning lady secretly draws flowers on ppl's boards
she also wrote a poem on this one woman's board, this woman who went on maternity leave
the poem is so weird

Melissa: that is cute
what was the poem

me: hold on let me see if it's still up
ok
i just wrote it down
omg
LOLOLOLOL

It a girl
She is fun
She is sweet
She is qute
(sic)
She is honey
Congratulation
For you mommy
She is sun
She is moon
I hope she grows
Happy pretty soon

oh also in the poem, there is a picture of a sun below the word sun

Melissa: LOL
omg
that maid is going to steal her baby

Self Awareness

me: my boss just left and said bye
and "feel better"
but im not sick?

Melissa: HAHAH
what is that supposed to mean
are your boobs showing?
maybe your stomach is showing
i had a really embarrassing moment with that
i was wearing a button up shirt
and i thought i was really cool
and then when i came home i realized that all the buttons on my stomach area were open
"fuck"

Summer of Love

Melissa: i want to see moviez
harry potter/district 9/inglourious

me: i dont want to see any of those

Melissa: my friend who works at the movie theatre said that people walked out of district 9 puking
after i heard that i was like YES

me: why would u puke at district 9

Melissa: it is like a mystery
it's like hearing that people came out of lord of the rings puking
id be like yesss

me: u should eat a bunch of nachos and jalapenos throughout the movie

Melissa: i know
and a large coke
a coke that doesn't even fit in the cup holders
and i am going to cut a hole in my popcorn

me: OMG
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
omg
you're gonna jerk off at district 9
best
classic

So Long Gay Boys

me: look at that pic

Melissa: why does he look fruity
maybe he is gay
OMG HE IS GAY
that is why he wasn't going for u

me: omg melissa, he is gay

Melissa: look at that face

me: im looking at it

Melissa: that is so gay
omg when u see him u should treat him like a gay boy
and see how he reacts
if he lovez it,
then u know what

me: i know
another one bites the dust
-carrie

Melissa: lolololll

me: i didn't even think that he was gay when i saw that pic for the first time
but once u said it
5 mins ago
it was like mount vesuvius exploded
and now truth lava is all over the earth

Melissa: hahahha
truth lava is all over ur face

Day in the Life of a Communications Major

Melissa: lol omg my teacher is about to play one minute man by missy elliott

me: omg
communications
is the smartest major ever

Melissa: the lyrics are on the powerpoint
"ooh, i dont want, i dont need/i cant stand no one minute man"

me: holy shit
WHAT CLASS IS THIS
melissa

Melissa: "it's time to set yo' clock back"

me: i wish we were twins
and majoring in comm together
same schedules

Melissa: CMN 141- Media Effects
lolol
and now we're listening to this oldies song
the lyrics are 'im a one hour momma with a one minute poppa'

me: i think that the powerpoint presentation has more media effects than the songs themselves

Melissa: LOL
i know
i should storm out
b/c i pay as much as i would at stanford
i should be in SLE right now
watching some charlie chaplan movie about marxism

Fear

Melissa: my teacher is talking about SATC right now
he's asking us if we think its pornography

me: umm
no
it's not

Melissa: haha i know thats what said
well not actually said
thought
because im SHY

me: lololol
never raise your hand in class melissa
dont do it

Melissa: lololololll okay never planned to

Moral Support

me: ok melissa
i have to make a decision
and i hope you encourage me to do what i naturally feel like doing
tonight is orientation for class
it is optional
it is from 7-8

Melissa: omggg
EXCITING it is already happening

me: lol but
i dont want to go tonight
cuz im lazy
the purpose is to meet other classmates, the center director, and the creator of iO
which sounds fun right
but like
eh
i have to take the train there
take the train home

Melissa: lolll
so u want me to tell u that u shouldnt go

me: yes
lol
i want u to tell me that it's whatever

Melissa: so, basically my reply to your question is:
YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON EVER HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT NOT GOING, WHAT ARE YOU, SHY??

me: omg
lol
best
so shy
i love being shy

Melissa: but yeah, u dont really have to go
whatevz
today is skip day
it's their fault that they scheduled it on skip day

Staying In Tonight

Melissa: omg i think i have the flu

me: what kind of flu

Melissa: swine flu

me: yesss
lucky

Melissa: i kno
im a celebrity

L'Analysis of le film Midnight Meat Train

Melissa: leon was kinda freaky [Bradley Cooper's character]

me: leon was weird
i sometimes feel like him tho

Melissa: lolol like this?
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1786812160/tt0805570



Melissa: i feel like that all the time
(like shit)


me: oh also
the best part about Midnight Meat Train besides Bradley Cooper is getting hit behind the head with a cleaver and having your gif eyeballs fall out

Melissa: LOLL
omg they are gifs, not even jpegs

What Do You Think?

Melissa: classic Phil would think that was totally gay

The Bachelorette

Melissa: i had a dream that i was hanging out with the bachelorette, and she told me that she was going on a 'date,' and so i walked outside with her and all of a sudden there was a typhoon

Looking For Love

me: i read my monthly love horoscope

it said that by the end of the month i could totally be in a relationship

Melissa: hahhaha
u can be in a relationship right now
go up to a homeless man
and say will u go out with me

me: i just read my fortune from my fortune cookie
it says "A cheerful message is on its way to you".

Melissa: loll
what does that mean

me: what if it said "you could probably be in a relationship by the end of the month"

Melissa: LOL
omg
pick the cutest homeless guy maggie
the one with the least fuzziest teeth

Family Business

me: i was brainstorming today at work and i was thinking
what if we started a family business with our cousins
i mean it would be crazy
and shady
but wouldn't that be a wild idea

Melissa: omg i bet it would be amazing
i will be the person who thinks of where to go for lunch

Celebrity Baby

me: btw javier bardem knocked up penelope cruz
Melissa: he knocked her up knocked her up?
like they are pregnant?
me: yes
she is pregnant
Melissa: omg
what is their baby going to look like
penelope with bells palsy
me: AHAHAHHAHA
omg
that was outloud
Melissa: LOLL yesss
me: first of all
that kid
is going to use an icepick to get out of her stomach
secondly
all the nurses, doctors, and anyone who looks at it will turn into stone
thirdly
Melissa: http://www.klinikmaziah.com/images/Bells_palsy1.gif


that is thirdly

The Start of Something Special

me: i think that starting a blog together would be taking steps towards finding out who Melissa is

Melissa: i know

who is melissa?

i dont even know

she is like the chupacabra

-

Melissa: for our blog, u will have to do most of the book segments

me: definitely

u should write about celebrity gossip

u should discuss the implications of the movie Love Happens

(hell freezing over)

Melissa: hahah

or Paper Hearts

(hell freezing over, in an uglier way)

IB Book Club

me: i want to start a book club with you
where we just re-read IB lit
and react to it as adults
Melissa: hahah
omg that is good
of course Song of Solomon would be the first
me: can we skip Night
Melissa: yes
can we skip Grendel
i didnt read it
at all
me: The Stranger
can we read that twice
Melissa: haha YES that was what i was going to say
me: Midaq Alley
Melissa: omg i ordered that movie from amazon
but never got it
i didnt realize that i didnt get it until years later
can we do The Importance of Being Earnest
twice
me: YES
omg
that is my fav
Melissa: omg u know what would be the best
if we had a talk show
and we would discuss the books
and we would dress up for each book


Melissa: for mishima we would get bowl cuts



me: for midaq alley we would wrap ourselves in bandages bc our bones are brittle


Melissa: and for the stranger we would wear sunglasses
cuz we dont want to accidently murder anyone



me: Chronicle of a Death Foretold we would be in priest robes
with bloody hands
and then on the set of our talk show there are random entrail props
Melissa: LOLL omg those entrails


Melissa: for The Tempest we can dress up as Caliban


me: hmm what else
for Grendel we could just wear spaghetti straps
bc our hairy backs are self explanatory
they tell the whole story
Melissa: HAHAH

The Next Big Thing

me: i seriously think we should start a blog about books
or tv
just things
a joint blog about thoughts
Melissa: can we?
cuz my blog is going nowhere
me: your blog needs to file for unemployment
Melissa: haha oh i kno
welfare

Jury Duty

Melissa: have u ever had to do jury duty?
me: nope
Melissa: ur so lucky that uve never been summoned
i dont wanna go
lol
me: i know
Melissa: its tomorrow
im going to eat le peep before i go
cuz i fucking deserve it
me: lol omg yeah u are totally going to le peep beforehand
i wonder what the case will be
Melissa: what if i show up for jury duty and judge judy is the judge
me: omg
best
Melissa: when i do jury duty do i have to discuss with the other jury members to whether he is innocent or not
or is that with just serious cases
me: i dont know
u watch a video i think
Melissa: haha oh with celebs right?
me: lol yes
like corey feldman
Melissa: i remember we watched something like that in american gov class
that is so american
to have celebs in the video
me: oh i know
Melissa: what if it is the next OJ
omg
i would die
i would kill myself right then and there
maybe i will get to be on fox news
and talk about the case
me: LOL
u would get on the Today Show
ann curry would interview you
right after she interviews a boy who lost his hands in a lemonade stand accident
Melissa: omg i hope so
my answer to everything will be 'ur pretty'
me: she is so pretty
omg
i hope that the case u are going to is the trial of michael jackson's doctor
Melissa: HAHA
omg
i know
i would jump out of the building
it is the only thing to do

-

Update:

Melissa: omgomg
jury duty got cancelled
best day ever
!!!!

-

Update:

Melissa: I am scared they are going to summon me again
it is a looming monster

Priorities

Melissa: omg lol
he is funny
too bad he's fat

To Be Honest

me: i drank arizona pomegranate green tea for lunch
and the cap smells weird
Melissa: its probably ur bad breath

The Breakup

me: i would break up with charlyne yi
ugly
Melissa: so rough
michael cera should go to uc davis
all the asian girls here are way hotter than charlyne

Obsessed

me: on myspace, the Improvised Shakespeare Company is a 28 yr old male
Melissa: hahah they have a myspace?? lol
do they have an asianavenue
i like how they are there for 'networking and serious relationships'
can i get into a serious relationship with improvised shakespeare co?
me: Improvised Shakespeare is Single
and aquarius
Melissa: lollll
do u get along with aquarius
me: mommy is aquarius
so
not really

-

me: btw greg was the best part about the show
but i doubt we'll ever talk much about him
Melissa: haha oh i kno
cuz hes gay
and he will never be into us
plus he has the neck of a giraffe

-

Melissa: WHO IS UR CRUSH
its bugging me
doesnt it make u sad though
that u can't even find an ounce of information
i mean u can even google me
and find who i am
i am more important than him
me: lololol
that's SO weird
i know
why
it makes him so sexy
Melissa: hahahha
or old
either one
im leaning towards old

me: maybe God wont let us find info on him cuz im gonna marry him
Melissa: hahah i know
after he divorces his wife of 10 years of course
and figures out the custody of his 2 kids
(probz)

me: my dream is to marry him
and
when he has a special show in nyc
i would fly with him
and hang out with karina all day and then see the show at night
Melissa: lolll
me: and then eat at a diner afterwards until 6am
Melissa: stop it ur butterflies will explode
overpopulation

-

me: wait
do u realize that we have been talking about improvised shakespeare for a million hours
Melissa: yes
billion hours
to be exact

Hiring Freeze

me: what if Esther was a temp in the office
Melissa: haahha
u walk by her, to ask her for your messages
she says 'im not like the other kids, mommy'

Unimpressed

Melissa: What do they expect when they holler at girls? What do they expect when they are listening to their ring tone on the train over and over even though it is only 30 seconds?